svn commit: r229224 - stable/7/games/fortune/datfiles
dougb at FreeBSD.org
Sun Jan 1 22:33:57 UTC 2012
Date: Sun Jan 1 22:33:55 2012
New Revision: 229224
1. Remove a bunch of duplicates. Usually this means removing them from
fortunes, but occasionally remove them from the other 2 files when
they are not offensive, or not murphy'ish enough.
Where the version in fortunes had better attribution and/or formatting,
copy it over.
2. Fix a few typos
3. Use the full name of François De La Rochefoucauld, fix one of his
quotes, and remove the duplicate of it.
Prefer ASCII apostrophes over Unicode ones like the rest of the file.
1. Correct capitalization of the nobility particle for
Francois de La Rochefoucauld introduced in r228909
2. Change c-cedilla introduced in the same commit to ASCII c since
non-UTF-8 terminals will choke on the non-ASCII text.
stable/7/games/fortune/ (props changed)
--- stable/7/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes Sun Jan 1 22:33:29 2012 (r229223)
+++ stable/7/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes Sun Jan 1 22:33:55 2012 (r229224)
@@ -773,40 +773,6 @@ the female, autopsied her, and sure enou
"What do you think?" said the first ranger.
"The Czech is in the male," replied the second.
- A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical
-island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that
-could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands. They
-were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of
-the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to
-the snake's head. Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head
-downward to break the snake's spine. All went well for the landing, the
-charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle. At one foxhole site, two
-men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner.
-Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with
-blood. He collapsed to the ground. His buddies were so shocked they could
-only blurt out, "What happened?"
- "I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the
-ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me. I
-grabbed its tail end with my left hand. I placed my right hand above my left
-hand. I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of
-the snake. When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down
-to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?"
- A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved
-dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his
-brother and inquires after his pet.
- "Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly.
- The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me,"
-he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way
-of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got
-outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a
-corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?"
- "Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think."
- "Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway?
- His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got
-outside one day..."
A hard-luck actor who appeared in one colossal disaster after another
finally got a break, a broken leg to be exact. Someone pointed out that it's
the first time the poor fellow's been in the same cast for more than a week.
@@ -1137,12 +1103,6 @@ went out to be killed?
The Pole pulls a bottle of vodka from the other side of his jacket.
He smiles and replies, "Five men on one bottle -- too many."
- A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon
-two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what
-I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man".
- As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
-he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
A program should be light and agile, its subroutines connected like a
strings of pearls. The spirit and intent of the program should be retained
throughout. There should be neither too little nor too much, neither needless
@@ -1361,16 +1321,6 @@ realize the full significance of Pharoah
-- Grendel Briarton "Through Time & Space With Ferdinand
- After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient
-earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several
-minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help.
- "No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a
-name for my baby."
- "But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds
-of first names and their meanings," said the orderly.
- "That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first
All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and
how to be I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the
graduate-school mountain, but there in the sandpile at Sunday School.
@@ -1470,26 +1420,6 @@ the ideas and frills that were cautiousl
The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile".
-- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
- An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her
-porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps. She
-picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears! The genie
-tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires.
- After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and
-beautiful!" And POOF! In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful,
- After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich
-for the rest of my life." And POOF! When the smoke clears, there are
-stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch.
- The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?"
- "Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my
-faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young
- And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall,
-handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform.
- As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to
-the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me
An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat
is severely rationed). When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and
announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage.
@@ -1552,14 +1482,6 @@ young welp with a masochistic streak who
up-and-down bureaucracy in the history of mankind."
-- R. L. Forward, "Flight of the Dragonfly"
- "Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best
-to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the
- "No. No, thank you," replied the gentleman.
- "Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked.
- "Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman. "Would you bring me
"Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?"
"The curious incident of the stable dog in the nighttime."
"But the dog did nothing in the nighttime."
@@ -1932,52 +1854,16 @@ said the Duck: "it's generally a frog or
The question is, what did the archbishop find?"
- Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as
-usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation. On this particular
-evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals,
-such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese."
- One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block,
-and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?" The four
-fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities...
- At last, one spoke: "How about `a Jam of Tarts'?" The others nodded
-in acknowledgment as they continued to consider the problem. A second
-professor spoke: "I'd suggest `an Essay of Trollops.'" Again, the others
-nodded. A third spoke: "I propose `a Flourish of Strumpets.'"
- They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor
-remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of
-the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies. What are your
- Replied the fourth professor, "`An Anthology of Prose.'"
Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance.
"I was struck by the beauty of the place."
- Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their
-engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who
-was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy
- "Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.
- "Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."
"Gee, Mudhead, everyone at Morse Science High has an
extracurricular activity except you."
"Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?"
"Only to ten, Mudhead."
-- The Firesign Theatre
- "Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning
-to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this
-beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a
-dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little
-apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours
-in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?"
- God decided to take the devil to court and settle their
-differences once and for all.
- When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just
-where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
Graduating seniors, parents and friends...
Let me begin by reassuring you that my remarks today will stand up
to the most stringent requirements of the new appropriateness.
@@ -2050,33 +1936,6 @@ for it is complete within itself. It ex
Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes.
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
- Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home
-from the club to an irate, ranting wife.
- "I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You
-promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost
-nine. It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf."
- "Honey, wait," said Harry. "Let me explain. I know what I promised
-you, but I have a very good reason for being late. Fred and I tee'd off
-right on time and everything was fine for the first three holes. Then, on
-the fourth tee Fred had a stroke. I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't
-find a doctor. And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead. So, for
-the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred...
- Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism.
-No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have
- To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a
-situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no
-hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,
-"Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night,
-found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned
-the gun on himself!"
- "Terrible," said Harry. "But it could have been worse."
- "How in hell," demanded his dumbfounded friend, "could it possibly
-have been worse?"
- "Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be
-dead right now."
"Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?"
"Yes; I don't have one."
"Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors..."
@@ -2112,13 +1971,6 @@ lessening mine; as he who lights his tap
without darkening me.
-- Thomas Jefferson on patents on ideas
- "Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help."
- "Thanks. Got it upstairs already."
- "Do it alone?"
- "Nope. Hitched the cat to it."
- "How would that help?"
- "Used a whip."
"Hey, Sam, how about a loan?"
"Oh, about $500."
@@ -2182,11 +2034,6 @@ could forget that, to within half a perc
social climber said to her roommate. "I mean, I've never seen a Porsche
full of money before."
- "How'd you get that flat?"
- "Ran over a bottle."
- "Didn't you see it?"
- "Damn kid had it under his coat."
Human thinking can skip over a great deal, leap over small
misunderstandings, can contain ifs and buts in untroubled corners of
the mind. But the machine has no corners. Despite all the attempts to
@@ -2199,11 +2046,6 @@ line by code line, the programmer confro
The ways of human and machine understanding are disjunct.
-- Ellen Ullman, "Close to the Machine"
- "I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into
-the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information."
- "Who was that?" his young wife asked.
- "Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."
"I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a
"No," said GoodGulf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of
@@ -2496,11 +2338,6 @@ it gets so bad you can't handle it alone
would destroy the whole point of it."
-- Thomas Pynchon, "The Crying of Lot 49"
- "I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the
-young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me.
-I'm on my way."
- "Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father. "Take me along!"
I'm sure that VMS is completely documented, I just haven't found the
right manual yet. I've been working my way through the manuals in the document
library and I'm half way through the second cabinet, (3 shelves to go), so I
@@ -2558,20 +2395,6 @@ pie-bakers and pie-dividers is way out o
been an efficiency expert?
-- Motor Trend, May 1983
- In the beginning, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be
- And there was mud.
- And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud
-can see what we have done."
- And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was
-man. Mud-as-man alone could speak.
- "What is the purpose of all this?" man asked politely.
- "Everything must have a purpose?" asked God.
- "Certainly," said man.
- "Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God.
- And He went away.
- -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Between Time and Timbuktu"
In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and
null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of
IBM was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there
@@ -2926,11 +2749,6 @@ Church soon made its peace with Galileo'
earth really does revolve about the sun.
-- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
- "My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things
-a girl should not do before twenty."
- "Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large
NEW YORK -- Kraft Foods, Inc. announced today that its board of
directors unanimously rejected the $11 billion takeover bid by Philip
Morris and Co. A Kraft spokesman stated in a press conference that the
@@ -3727,14 +3545,6 @@ was solidly entrenched in the market, an
-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
- "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a
-sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar.
- "How do you know?" the friend asked.
- "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where
-she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley."
- "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley."
"That's right; the upper-case shift works fine on the screen, but
they're not coming out on the damn printer... Hold? Sure, I'll hold."
-- e. e. cummings last service call
@@ -3768,13 +3578,6 @@ laughed uproariously. "What's the matte
got a sense of humor?"
"I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday anyway.
- The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough
-physical examination. "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said,
-"is give up drinking, give up smoking, get to bed early and stay away
- "Doc, I don't deserve the best," pleaded his patient. "What's
The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
SPECIES: Cranial Males
@@ -3889,22 +3692,6 @@ win through and still know where his tow
-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
- The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding.
-After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a
-branch scraped her forehead lightly. The groom dismounted, glared at his
-wife's horse, and said, "That's number one."
- The ride then proceeded. After another mile or so, the bride's
-horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling.
-Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal.
-"That's two," he said.
- Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit
-crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl. Immediately, the groom was
-off his horse. "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he
-shot the horse between the eyes.
- "You brute!" shrieked his bride. "Now I see the kind of man I
-married! You're a sadist, that's what!"
- The groom turned to her coolly. "That's one," he said.
"The jig's up, Elman."
-- Jeff Elman
@@ -4349,29 +4136,6 @@ of his mortal enemy -- to those both com
spread only for demons or for gods."
-- Gordon R. Dickson, "Soldier Ask Not"
- "They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their
-parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone
-being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!"
- The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind
-Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the
-whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission:
- "Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information
-about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the
-country. We're completely computerized.
- "The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false
-leads as possible. We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his
-real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the
-country. Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared. They
-look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons...
-yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago.
-I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.'
- "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again.
-He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue.
- "It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year
-we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if
-your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?"
- -- "National Lampoon", September, 1984
This is where the bloodthirsty license agreement is supposed to go,
explaining that Interactive EasyFlow is a copyrighted package licensed for
use by a single person, and sternly warning you not to pirate copies of it
@@ -4683,13 +4447,6 @@ men with whom I felt an immediate sympat
more satisfactory to me than the opaque vogue word "empathy".
-- Alistair Cooke, "Six Men"
- "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you
-didn't believe in God".
- "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the
-God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's
-not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be".
- -- Joseph Heller
"What was the worst thing you've ever done?"
"I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing that
ever happened to me... the most dreadful thing."
@@ -4806,20 +4563,6 @@ unanswered. Eventually the form for the
the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US Government
- With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend
-Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before. "What's the trouble,
-buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend.
- "It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied.
- "I guessed that much. Tell me about it."
- "I can't," Conrad said. But after a few more drinks his tongue
-and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said,
-"Okay. It's your wife."
- "My wife!!"
- "What about her?"
- Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around
-his pal. "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us."
@@ -4956,7 +4699,7 @@ the soul. Worry, doubt, self-distrust,
long, long years that bow the head and turn the growing spirit back to
- Whether seventy or sixteen, there is in every being’s heart a
+ Whether seventy or sixteen, there is in every being's heart a
love of wonder; the sweet amazement at the stars and starlike things and
thoughts; the undaunted challenge of events, the unfailing childlike
appetite for what comes next, and the joy in the game of life.
@@ -6593,9 +6336,6 @@ a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief
a shilling. "Only a shilling?" exclaimed the man. "Only a shilling to bury
an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty of them."
-A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
- -- Klipstein
A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.
A fair exterior is a silent recommendation.
@@ -6662,17 +6402,6 @@ go!'"
A few hours grace before the madness begins again.
-A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles.
-A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation. He rented a boat,
-rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked
-down into the water he was horrified to see a man wrapped in chains lying
-on the bottom of the lake. He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police
-station. "Sheriff, sheriff," he gasped, there's a guy wrapped in chains,
-drowned in the lake!"
- "Now ain't that jest like a Yankee," drawled the sheriff, "to steal
-more chain than he can swim with?"
A fitter fits; Though sinners sin
A cutter cuts; And thinners thin
And an aircraft spotter spots; And paper-blotters blot
@@ -6697,11 +6426,6 @@ A fool and his honey are soon parted.
A fool and his money are soon popular.
-A fool and your money are soon partners.
-A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity.
-A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes.
A fool must now and then be right by chance.
A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.
@@ -6744,8 +6468,6 @@ You'll just be walking down the street a
A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates
lawyers more than he hates his wife.
-A friend with weed is a friend indeed.
A full belly makes a dull brain.
-- Benjamin Franklin
@@ -6809,9 +6531,6 @@ A girl with a future avoids the man with
A girl's best friend is her mutter.
-- Dorothy Parker
-A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong--
-it merely keeps her from enjoying it.
A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like
a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).
@@ -7102,27 +6821,6 @@ A language that doesn't have everything
actually easier to program in than some that do.
-- Dennis M. Ritchie
-A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in
-the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska. He drove for three days
-and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state
-line. He halted his car and walked up to the border guard. "Hi, there! How
-do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan.
- The guard looked him up and down and grinned. "Waal," he answered,
-there are three things you gotta do to get in. First, drink down a quart of
-110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'. Second, kill a grizzly bear, and
-third, make love to an Eskimo woman."
- "Sounds easy enough," said the Texan. "Where can I get a quart of
-this here corn liquor?"
- "Got one right here," replied the guard.
- The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash.
-"Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?"
- "Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout
-a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff."
- The Texan lurched merrily off. About an hour later he returned
-with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody. He was
-smiling happily. "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you
A large number of installed systems work by fiat.
That is, they work by being declared to work.
-- Anatol Holt
@@ -7230,33 +6928,16 @@ A lot of people I know believe in positi
and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks.
-- Lew Col
-A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all.
- -- Thomas Hardy
A major, with wonderful force,
Called out in Hyde Park for a horse.
All the flowers looked round,
But no horse could be found;
So he just rhododendron, of course.
-A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
- -- Carrie Snow
-A man always needs to remember one thing about
-a beautiful woman. Somewhere, somebody's tired of her.
A man always remembers his first love with special
tenderness, but after that begins to bunch them.
-- H. L. Mencken
-A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend,
-who swore how much they were in love. To quiet the enraged husband, the
-lover suggested, "Friends shouldn't fight, let's play gin rummy. If I win,
-you get a divorce so I can marry her. If you win, I promise never to see
-her again. Okay?"
- "Alright," agreed the husband. "But how about a quarter a point
-on the side to make it interesting?"
A man can have two, maybe three love affairs while he's married. After
that it's cheating.
-- Yves Montand
@@ -7393,9 +7074,6 @@ in no other way.
A man who fishes for marlin in ponds
will put his money in Etruscan bonds.
-A man who likes to lie in bed can usually
-find a girl willing to listen to him.
A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
A man with 3 wings and a dictionary is cousin to the turkey.
@@ -7403,12 +7081,8 @@ A man with 3 wings and a dictionary is c
A man with one watch knows what time it is.
A man with two watches is never quite sure.
-A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle.
A man without a woman is like a fish without gills.
-A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons.
A man would still do something out of sheer perversity - he would create
destruction and chaos - just to gain his point... and if all this could in
turn be analyzed and prevented by predicting that it would occur, then man
@@ -7593,33 +7267,6 @@ will go far towards curing the rascal of
A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the
rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion.
-A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes. So intent is he
-on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges
-over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom.
-As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet
-from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength.
-"Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin'
-you now: Save me, Lord, save me."
- Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
- "But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!"
- "TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
- "But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..."
- "TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU. LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
- Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I... here I go!" And he falls
-to his death.
- "DUMB YANKEE."
-A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered
-by the side of the street. Curiosity got the better of him and he leaned
-out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on. The fellow explained
-that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused
-himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. "That's terrible," gasped
-the man. "But why is everyone still standing around?"
- "Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the
-onlooker explained. "Would you be willing to help?"
- "Well, sure," replied the New Yorker. "I suppose I could spare a
-gallon or two."
A newspaper is a circulating library with high blood pressure.
-- Arthure "Bugs" Baer
@@ -7684,12 +7331,6 @@ itself, and that is an excellent thing f
manufacturers for whom patriotic terrors are an abundant source of gain.
-- Anatole France
-A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages,
-who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never
-speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of
-unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be!
- -- Thackeray
A person forgives only when they are in the wrong.
A person is just about as big as the things that make him angry.
@@ -7794,8 +7435,6 @@ last pair of shoes, already worn out in
of yours to press against my heart.
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
-A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything.
A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil.
Replied Voltaire, "This is no time to make new enemies."
@@ -7881,23 +7520,6 @@ the ball is more than three inches from
to make a travesty of the game.
-- Donald A. Metz
-A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans
-over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?"
- The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a
- "Well, could you get any higher than that?"
- "I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I
-might be made an Archbishop."
- "Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
- "If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal."
- "Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?"
- Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I suppose that I could
-be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will."
- "And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go
-up from being the Pope?"
- "What?! I should be the Messiah himself?!"
- The rabbi leaned back and smiled. "One of our boys made it."
A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results
blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon.
-- Steel City News
@@ -7912,17 +7534,6 @@ A real diplomat is one who can cut his n
his neighbor notice it.
-- Trygve Lie
-A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale,
-commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked.
- The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it
-the hard way. The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of
-field stones... did it the hard way. That hardwood floor in the living
-room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way. The ceiling
-beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way."
- Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in. The farmer
-looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too
-obviously and smiles. "Yep... standing up in a canoe."
A real friend isn't someone you use once and then throw away.
A real friend is someone you can use over and over again.
@@ -8180,8 +7791,6 @@ the student with a stick.
A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
-A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows.
A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something
undreamed of by its author.
-- S. C. Johnson
@@ -8318,12 +7927,6 @@ than some of the stuff that nature repla
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
-- Samuel Goldwyn
-A very intelligent turtle
-Found programming UNIX a hurdle
- The system, you see,
- Ran as slow as did he,
-And that's not saying much for the turtle.
A violent man will die a violent death.
-- Lao Tsu
@@ -8351,9 +7954,6 @@ Software rots if not used.
These are great mysteries.
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age.
- -- Addison
A wise man can see more from a mountain top
than a fool can from the bottom of a well.
@@ -8382,27 +7982,14 @@ A woman can look both moral and exciting
were quite a struggle.
-- Edna Ferber
-A woman can never be too rich or too thin.
A woman did what a woman had to, the best way she knew how.
To do more was impossible, to do less, unthinkable.
-- Dirisha, "The Man Who Never Missed"
-A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed.
- -- Scott
A woman, especially if she have the misfortune
of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can.
-- Jane Austen
-A woman forgives the audacity of which
-her beauty has prompted us to be guilty.
- -- LeSage
-A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be
-thankful for a good one.
- -- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings
A woman is like your shadow; follow her, she flies; fly from her,
@@ -8580,7 +8167,7 @@ Abscond, v.:
Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases
great ones, as the wind blows out candles and fans fires.
- -- La Rochefoucauld
+ -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
Absence in love is like water upon fire;
a little quickens, but much extinguishes it.
@@ -8654,11 +8241,6 @@ Accept people for what they are -- compl
An unsuccessful attempt to find bugs.
-Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western
-religion; rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of
- -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters"
A condition in which presence of mind is good,
but absence of body is better.
@@ -8993,8 +8575,6 @@ the unimpeded right to get rich, to use
cost to others, to win advancement.
-- Norman Thomas
-After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
After living in New York, you trust nobody,
but you believe everything. Just in case.
@@ -9535,7 +9115,7 @@ All the men on my staff can type.
All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most
- -- La Rochefoucauld
+ -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.
-- Grant Wood
@@ -10571,8 +10151,6 @@ Any girl can be glamorous; all you have
-- Hedy Lamarr
-Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
Any given program will expand to fill available memory.
Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche --
@@ -11466,9 +11044,6 @@ Asking a working writer what he thinks a
lamp-post how it feels about dogs.
-- Christopher Hampton
- The masculine of "lass".
Assembly language experience is [important] for the maturity
and understanding of how computers work that it provides.
-- D. Gries
@@ -12051,11 +11626,6 @@ the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs i
-- Mark Twain
-Behold the unborn foetus and
- Weep salt tears crocodilian;
-All life is sacred (save, of course,
- An enemy civilian).
Behold the warranty -- the bold print
giveth and the fine print taketh away.
@@ -12477,8 +12047,6 @@ Blessed are the forgetful: for they
get the better even of their blunders.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
-Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.
-- Herbert Hoover
@@ -13660,9 +13228,6 @@ Drinking beer and playing cards neighb
plays with elves!
-- Elmo and Patsy, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"
- A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint Him.
Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it.
@@ -13748,8 +13313,6 @@ the walk before it stops snowing.
Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
-- P. J. O'Rourke
-Cleanliness is next to impossible.
Where their last tornado did six
million dollars worth of improvements.
@@ -13890,9 +13453,6 @@ Coincidences are spiritual puns.
-- G. K. Chesterton
- When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.
When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own
@@ -14184,7 +13744,7 @@ Computers will not be perfected until th
than the estimate the job will cost.
Conceit causes more conversation than wit.
- -- La Rochefoucauld
+ -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than
@@ -14644,8 +14204,6 @@ DALLAS:
The city that chose Astroturf to
keep the cheerleaders from grazing.
-Dallas still lives. God MUST be dead.
Dammit Jim, I'm an actor not a doctor.
Dammit, man, that's unprofessional! A good bartender laughs anyway!
@@ -14908,14 +14466,6 @@ of education may be of even greater impo
correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners believes that is.
Dear Miss Manners:
- Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from
- Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on
-your face ...
-Dear Miss Manners:
I carry a big black umbrella, even if there's just a thirty percent chance of
rain. May I ask a young lady who is a stranger to me to share its protection?
This morning, I was waiting for a bus in comparative comfort, my umbrella
@@ -15537,16 +15087,12 @@ Do clones have navels?
Do I like getting drunk? Depends on who's doing the drinking.
-- Amy Gorin
-Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
Do Miami a favor. When you leave, take someone with you.
Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
Do more than anyone expects, and pretty soon everyone will expect more.
-Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses.
Do not count your chickens before they are hatched.
@@ -16031,10 +15577,6 @@ want to help you could agree with each o
Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition?
-Dope will get you through times of no money better that money will get
-you through times of no dope.
- -- Gilbert Shelton
Dorothy: How can you talk if you haven't got a brain?
Scarecrow: I don't know. But some people without brains do an
awful lot of talking, don't they?
@@ -19581,12 +19123,6 @@ GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
the mail carefully, although there won't be anything good
in it today, either.
-GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
- You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you
-because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much
-for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for
GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20)
Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while you
can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise
@@ -20001,8 +19537,6 @@ can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's t
would he lie about a thing like that?
-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
-God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to
change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference.
@@ -20033,8 +19567,6 @@ but by pains and contradictions.
God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.
-God is a polytheist.
God is Dead.
Nietzsche is Dead.
@@ -20071,8 +19603,6 @@ God made machine language; all the rest
God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.
-God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean.
-- Albert Einstein
@@ -20174,10 +19704,6 @@ Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm)
Good advice is one of those insults that ought to be forgiven.
-Good advice is something a man gives
-when he is too old to set a bad example.
- -- La Rochefoucauld
Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
Good day for business affairs.
@@ -20373,8 +19899,6 @@ GRAVITY:
Gravity brings me down.
-Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
Gray's Law of Programming:
'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be
accomplished in the same time as 'n' tasks.
@@ -20457,13 +19981,6 @@ Groundhog Day has been observed only onc
groundhog came out of its hole, it was killed by a mudslide.
-- Johnny Carson
-Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the Senate, got on
-better with the House of Representatives. A popular story circulating
-during his presidency concerned the night he was roused by his wife crying,
-"Wake up! I think there are burglars in the house."
- "No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate
-maybe, but not in the House."
Growing old isn't bad when you consider the alternatives.
-- Maurice Chevalier
@@ -21832,8 +21349,6 @@ Him: "Really? That's incredible...
Hindsight is always 20:20.
-- Billy Wilder
-Hindsight is an exact science.
An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin.
The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half
@@ -22032,8 +21547,6 @@ Home is the place where, when you have t
they have to take you in.
-- Robert Frost, "The Death of the Hired Man"
-Home is where the hurt is.
Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a
cage is to a cockatoo.
-- George Bernard Shaw
@@ -25271,9 +24784,6 @@ is a camel's behind.
If a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars?
-If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing their hair. If this doesn't
-work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.
If A equals success, then the formula is _A = _X + _Y + _Z. _X is work. _Y
is play. _Z is keep your mouth shut.
-- Albert Einstein
@@ -25454,8 +24964,6 @@ We're offering a substantial reward. He
blind in his left eye, is missing part of his right ear and the tip of his
tail. He's been recently fixed. Answers to "Lucky".
-If anything can go wrong, it will.
If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
@@ -25866,8 +25374,6 @@ of a student-poet to hang on to his ever
If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
-If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
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